Tuesday, March 25, 2014

re: What It's Like Being Short

As the first audience suggestion, I received this email:
what it's like being short ;)

The following is my response:
            I’m not tall.  Never have been; never will be.   Honestly, I’m pretty sure I’ve never even had a growth spurt.  Being vertically challenged certainly has its limitations, but there are definitely some advantages to being of the shorter variety of human beings.  I’m 5’6” and I’m proud.
            Still, being short isn’t always easy.  I’ll never forget getting cut from the basketball team in seventh grade.  The coach told me to “grow a couple inches this summer” and then I’d be a real ballplayer.  I didn’t.  I made the team the next year, only to sit on the bench and watch my friends play.
            One time a girl told me that if I was four inches taller she might be interested.  Thanks a lot, babe.  The realization that the mere luck of the draw was the only fault in my persona was devastating.  I guess I could blame my dad for being 5’4”, but that’s a pretty immature response.
            The key to being short and happy is having a strong sense of identity.  Rather than being bothered by the endless Bilbo Baggins jokes, it’s better to own the role and speak to the jokesters as if they were Gandalf the Grey.  Instead of saying I’m 24 when I go to a bar, I say I’m 14.  My 1989 ID has never been taken.
            Confidence is king.  There is a reason why the words Napoleon Complex are thrown around so casually.  Sometimes, it requires more effort for short people to gain power.  Therefore, the reward, for us, is much sweeter.  I don’t personally aspire to be an emperor, but I have no qualms with short people who crave power.  We do what it takes to turn our weakness into a strength.
            In the end, there will always be people who look down on me because of my height.  I’ll never be able to dunk a basketball.  Beer pong is harder for us, I swear.  And no, I cannot help you get that down off the top shelf.  But, I could totally be a jockey.  Also, did you watch the Olympics?  Those gymnasts were tiny!  And yes darling, you can wear flats on our date.