Sunday, September 11, 2011

[Expression About Making Money]

            I suppose it’s not nearly as common at a prestigious private school in Maryland, but every so often you find yourself browsing in a shopping mall, or on the internet, and something irresistible catches your eye. Maybe it’s a shiny pair of Ray Bans, that new Call of Duty game, or perhaps some kinky sex toy on Amazon. You reach for your wallet, instinctively, but upon opening it you remember that you’ve been on a five-day Chipotle splurge and have completely exhausted your funds. It’s the end of the world! It isn’t. At this juncture, you have a few options: you can go Marissa Cooper (+1 for O.C. reference) on their asses and shoplift the fuck out of that watch. You can whip out your cellular and beggggg mommy and daddy for their generosity. Or if you’re in an Asiatic or third-world country there’s a decent chance you can exploit the bartering system. However, if all of those methods fail, you’re going to have to figure out a way to generate some capital.
           First off, let’s just throw out some of the classic schemes for their lack of modern-day effectiveness. Lemonade stand? Yeah, sorry 1975, but the fact of the matter is that there are way more appealing beverage options than buying overpriced minute-maid from dirty, hyperactive 4th graders. Yard Sales. Hey, you. Yeah, you. Come here. I wanna show you some old antique shit that I’ve dumped in my front yard because it’s so irrelevant to my life that I would rather just leave it on the lawn. Do you wanna give me money for any of it? Mowing grass. Not for the pale-skinned or those of us who don’t want to do real work for money. Raking leaves… ‘Cause that’s something I would pay someone to do for me.

            Now then, onto the real cash cows. Keep in mind, this list is in no particular order.

-          - Craigslist. The cyber yard sale, if you will. Craigslist is a simple and magical website that pairs people who want something with people who have something. Sure, if you really desired you could sell your body at an hourly rate or maybe even purchase a professional wetwork hit, and that’s the side of the website that drives some folk away. That being said, if you use it legally, it’s an extremely useful tool for selling your junk to strangers.

-          - The stock market. Granted, I don’t really know what a stock is, but it seems to be all the rage these days. There are numbers and graphs and suits and lots of abbreviations, so if you like any of those things and/or are a typically lucky person, this is for you.

-          - Dig for gold. The price of gold has risen by almost 100% since 2010, now strutting a value of $1,900 per ounce. What you may not know, however, is that gold is used in many electronic devices for its conductive properties. But that’s starting to become less common as the price continues to climb. Go to your basement. Find that ancient iMac that’s been sitting in the same spot for eight years. Now bring it upstairs and drop it out your window. Scavenge all the gold you can and melt out the impurities. Rinse and repeat.

-         -  Shake your money maker. Seriously. If you got it, use it. Objectify your body. Sex sells.

-         -  Help fund a genocide in Africa and then use the land to mine for precious resources.*

*Don’t do this.

So there you have it. Get out there and make bank. Just remember all of these suggestions are subject to complete failure.

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