Every time a baby is conceived, the big
guy upstairs flips a 2-sided, 1953 Deutsche Mark and decides if the poor, bloody
fetus will emerge a boy or a girl (sometimes both, sometimes neither). With the
flip of a coin, a life is defined. There is no doubt we live in a society defined
by creepy cashiers who give out discounts like free samples to our
large-breasted girl friends, as we stand there with our 7 dollars in hand,
ready to pay the listed price for our burrito. I began thinking (which really
hurt so I took a break, ate, and continued thinking): Is it better to be a boy
or a girl?
I cannot keep track of my things. On
a daily basis I can expect to lose my wallet, my keys, my credit card, a friend
or two, and perhaps my virginity (Oh, the dreams of a 17-year-old boy!). Girls
are lucky. Those smiley pricks are socially permitted to carry a bag around to
throw their shit in. I have two pockets to put all my crap in. I hate it when
my keys nudge me in places I ought not to be nudged in! Not to say that I want
to carry a purse around, believe me. But I would jump at the chance to tote a massive, black, ForceFlex trash bag to carry my things in, if only
society allowed it. If I were to do that now, I’d be looked upon as a hobo. Then
again, what else is new? The world, once again, unconsciously begrudges my
needs. #Letsbehonest, if you saw a schmuck like me walking around with a big
black bag, wouldn’t you think, “OMG Let me Mupload this” or “I am so glad I
don’t go to public school.” I don’t blame you, I blame society. How dare you
force my sharp keys so firmly upon my tender thighs.
Don’t worry guys, in the Public
Bathroom Department, we got the girls beat. Whenever I find myself angry about
not being able to carry a trash bag around, I quickly cheer up as I pass girls
waiting in the line for the bathroom. Ever swam in an Infinity Pool™? Same concept. Not only do they have to wait, but they always have to sit. Don’t get me wrong,
sitting is great in the comfort of my own home. I often imagine my Oscar
acceptance speech as I rest, asquat, atop my porcelain throne. I must admit, I
envy the fact that girls can leave class and go on a secret undercover mission
to take a poopy break during school. If I were to partake in such a dangerous
mission, I would be found out! Women don’t have urinals, and although they
don’t get to participate in those fun games we play while we try to aim our pee,
they do get to sit, no matter what.
Here is the thing: women are subject to horrible experiences and guys are subject to horrible experiences. Next time you see a poor guy carrying a trash bag in the Towson Mall, shout "YES WE CAN" or some other communistic saying like that. Maybe it'll brighten his day and give him hope that he will someday lose his virginity. As humans, we all fear public restrooms. I am happy to be both human and a boy, as I am sure girls are happy to be both females and human. At the end of the day, we can recognize the greatness in both genders of the world, and all that fall in between. Everyone has to put up with shit.
Over and out.
Post by: J-hay
the Underhand shot says it all.
ReplyDeleteThis was poorly written and somehow managed to be long but never say anything of worth or even remotely intelligent.
ReplyDeleteThis is supposed to be funny. Show your name next time, instead of being anonymous and thus displaying your lack of integrity.
ReplyDeleteContinue looking at the world with a negative eye, and you will never get anywhere..unless mommy and daddy pay for your undeserved success.
who's j hay?
ReplyDeleteIt's funny because the J-hay reply and entire post is under an alias so you can't really tell the anonymous person to say their name. You're being hypocritical.
ReplyDeletei mean who doesnt know who jhay is?
ReplyDeleteWHO THE SHIT IS J HAY
ReplyDeleteWHO IS J-HAY????
ReplyDeletedont listen to haters.
ReplyDeletethis is amazing.