Monday, September 19, 2011

Flip of a Coin


Every time a baby is conceived, the big guy upstairs flips a 2-sided, 1953 Deutsche Mark and decides if the poor, bloody fetus will emerge a boy or a girl (sometimes both, sometimes neither). With the flip of a coin, a life is defined. There is no doubt we live in a society defined by creepy cashiers who give out discounts like free samples to our large-breasted girl friends, as we stand there with our 7 dollars in hand, ready to pay the listed price for our burrito. I began thinking (which really hurt so I took a break, ate, and continued thinking): Is it better to be a boy or a girl?
I cannot keep track of my things. On a daily basis I can expect to lose my wallet, my keys, my credit card, a friend or two, and perhaps my virginity (Oh, the dreams of a 17-year-old boy!). Girls are lucky. Those smiley pricks are socially permitted to carry a bag around to throw their shit in. I have two pockets to put all my crap in. I hate it when my keys nudge me in places I ought not to be nudged in! Not to say that I want to carry a purse around, believe me. But I would jump at the chance to tote a massive, black, ForceFlex trash bag to carry my things in, if only society allowed it. If I were to do that now, I’d be looked upon as a hobo. Then again, what else is new? The world, once again, unconsciously begrudges my needs. #Letsbehonest, if you saw a schmuck like me walking around with a big black bag, wouldn’t you think, “OMG Let me Mupload this” or “I am so glad I don’t go to public school.” I don’t blame you, I blame society. How dare you force my sharp keys so firmly upon my tender thighs.
Don’t worry guys, in the Public Bathroom Department, we got the girls beat. Whenever I find myself angry about not being able to carry a trash bag around, I quickly cheer up as I pass girls waiting in the line for the bathroom. Ever swam in an Infinity Pool™? Same concept. Not only do they have to wait, but they always have to sit. Don’t get me wrong, sitting is great in the comfort of my own home. I often imagine my Oscar acceptance speech as I rest, asquat, atop my porcelain throne. I must admit, I envy the fact that girls can leave class and go on a secret undercover mission to take a poopy break during school. If I were to partake in such a dangerous mission, I would be found out! Women don’t have urinals, and although they don’t get to participate in those fun games we play while we try to aim our pee, they do get to sit, no matter what. 
Here is the thing: women are subject to horrible experiences and guys are subject to horrible experiences. Next time you see a poor guy carrying a trash bag in the Towson Mall, shout "YES WE CAN" or some other communistic saying like that. Maybe it'll brighten his day and give him hope that he will someday lose his virginity. As humans, we all fear public restrooms. I am happy to be both human and a boy, as I am sure girls are happy to be both females and human. At the end of the day, we can recognize the greatness in both genders of the world, and all that fall in between. Everyone has to put up with shit.
Over and out.

Post by: J-hay